Waking this morning feeling a bit broken, after the worst meltdown we have had in over 10 years of parenting. I’ve just finished writing emails to teachers and to book in an urgent Paediatrician appointment because something is just not right with our girl; and I can’t stop the tears.
I keep seeing the kicks at us and anything she can try and lash out at, the thrashing around, Imogen throwing herself on the floor, trying to pull our huge TV off the cabinet. The violent outbursts that she can’t control. Those tears streaming down her face.
I keep hearing her guttural screams; not knowing how those sounds can come from her little body. Seeing her her knowing the real Immy is trapped inside this body somewhere; like she’s been possessed.
And finally when Richie was able to get enough deep pressure by laying his full body weight on her, Imogen had this moment of clarity where she broke through what I can only call madness.
She looked me straight in the eyes like she was talking to my soul and said “HELP”.
I burst into tears and said “we are trying to help you baby”.
In that moment I felt completely useless, hopeless, utterly broken and completely out of my depth. Like I’m failing her.
Eventually she calmed enough to ask for a drink, her weighted blanket for more pressure and got into bed, still crying.
After feeling like that was a marathon we had just run, I went to my own bedroom, looked at the clock and realised it had only been 28 minutes since it all started.
I haven’t cried myself to sleep in as long as I can remember, but that’s what I did. And the tears are still coming this morning as I start calling in the troops to help me. And Im feeling immense gratitude for having those professionals and loved ones in Imogen’s circle.
Once I hit POST on this, I’m getting out my gratitude journal and going to sit on the grass for 10 mins. Then I’m spending the day healing with my girl cause she has said she’s not going to school today. And maybe that’s exactly what we need.