Every now and again I have a little cry for you.
I cry not to solve anything. Or not as an explosion of emotion. Sometimes it’s just a small, little moment from a day that reminds me that life is sometimes hard for you.
Perhaps an unkind word from a stranger. A judgemental look from another parent. Little moments, That remind me of our normal. Most days, I wear my suit of armour and the bad energy pings off me. No negativity welcome here! 🙅🏻♀️
But some days, when I’m not ready for it the bad stuff sneaks up on me and goes straight through me. It wounds me hard. And on those days, when you aren’t looking and I’m alone….I cry silent tears for you.
I don’t sob uncontrollably.
I don’t scream dramatically.
I just cry silently because it’s hard & if I don’t cry I’ll break inside.
I cry because it’s all I can do.
The world outside doesn’t see or hear me and I’m OK with that. This is just a moment for me to take to be sad. A place where my brave face isn’t needed nor is my suit of armour. I’m safe here.
Then… after I have no more tears left to cry, I wash my face, put the kettle on and take a neurofen to mask the dull headache in my head and the knot that formed in my belly.
But there is nothing I can take for my heart. It stings in my chest like lemon to a papercut. 🍋
On these days… that pain lingers a little longer than I like. An emotional hangover. Its like the pain just sits below the surface waiting. Waiting for me to drop my armour.
Let’s face it, the armour gets heavy doesn’t it?
Sometimes it feels good to drop it and cry.
But then, no matter what… there is a moment where I ALWAYS choose to get up again.
I choose to lift up my armour again because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel joy and you and your sister deserve a happy Mum. 💛
I get on with my day, I go for a walk, I call a friend and I do life, because that’s what we do. We keep swimming. We move forward. We simply cannot stay in the dark place forever can we?
I think of you throughout the day and wonder what you are doing.
I wonder if you’re happy?
I wonder If kids are being nice to you?
I wonder If you feel you belong?
Sting, sting, sting. Cue the Lemon on the papercut again.
All of these things I cannot control and fix for you I’m afraid. They just are what they are. All I can do is love you when you’re near me and fill your cup with love and strength until you go back into the world the next day.
Here is the thing…
We are human. And we are doing our best. I remind myself that today crying and then picking myself and my suit of armour up…isnt weak, it is actually stronger than the armour itself. It’s grit. It’s resilience. It’s a fort of strength I have built.
And with every squeeze of lemon on the papercut, my armour gets a little stronger.
It gets stronger for the both of us.